We all eat for emotional reasons at times but seldom understand what’s behind that behavior. We certainly are all different but at the same time we may have much more in common than you think. In my 25 years of practice as a clinical psychologist I have identified a number of factors shared by many of the women who have come to see me. I will list them for you. See how many of them match your experiences.
Women have been invalidated.
Women often report that they have often felt invalidated. When they attempted to tell anyone how they felt, they were sometimes ignored and often told they “shouldn’t” feel that way. This led many women to keep their true feelings to themselves. Instead of being encouraged to express their authentic emotions, they were told to feel what others wanted them to feel. In this way, many women grow out of touch with their own emotions and eventually seek validation and approval stating they are thinking and feeling what they expect they “should” be thinking and feeling, rather than what they actually are experiencing.
Women think they aren’t good enough.
Women are bombarded with messages on a moment to moment basis about how to look, how to act, what to say, etc. Messages come from all directions – from family members, friends, institutions and the media for example. Women are constantly being looked at and evaluated. Their weight is often everyone’s business and well-meaning relatives may offer advice about ways to be more slender and attractive. This is a dreadful predicament for any woman. You can buy these magazines and learn how to have a smoother, fresher complexion, reduce wrinkles and lift your sagging breasts all the while preparing and serving amazing meals in minutes. You can read about the importance of diet and exercise and most likely unearth much conflicting information.
Along with these headlines you will find slender smiling women who are held up as examples of how we all should look. Is it any wonder that women have a hard time maintaining a positive body image and a healthy level of self-esteem?
Women have tried endlessly and in vain to be perfect.
As a professional speaker, I have the opportunity to address large audiences about women’s issues. I joke with my audience members that there are probably no women in the room who expect themselves to be perfect. This usually prompts loud laughter as each woman looks around and realizes they are all the same. Most, if not all, women hold unrealistic expectations of themselves. They would never expect such perfection from others but they continue to set impossibly high goals for themselves. Setting unrealistic, impossible goals leads to failure – every single time. If we continually set ourselves up to fail, we can never feel good about ourselves. Instead we will be discouraged and see ourselves as failures. This leads to self-punishment and often to the bakery or candy aisle. Then we eat to soothe ourselves and, as you can see, much of our over-eating is emotional.
Women blame themselves for their inability to control their eating behavior.
Many people come to see me stating they have no will power and they feel like failures. Often it is remarked that eating is the one area in which they feel helpless and out of control. I do not believe in will-power. I believe we will feed ourselves well when we feel good about ourselves and are able to genuinely express our emotions. Being happy, healthy and whole is not about being thin. It is about being happy with yourself at whatever size you are now. It is about self-acceptance and joy. It is about loving yourself.
Women think something is wrong with them and are outer-directed, rather than inner directed.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to feel good about ourselves when we are surrounded by evidence of our inferiority. If people are saying your feelings are wrong and you do not feel respected, valued and heard, it is not likely that you will think you are OK. You may at first, but soon your conviction deteriorates in the face of contrary evidence. As children we want to be loved and approved of. We try different behaviors and it doesn’t take long for us to figure out what behaviors bring approval. We are shaped in this way by the approval (love) or withholding of approval (or love) by those around us. So, we grow up looking outside of ourselves to figure out how to behave. We continue well into adulthood searching for approval, validation and love. If we speak up we fear abandonment and so we hold our tongues. This results in the suppression of anger and we begin eating to keep ourselves in check. We literally stifle our feelings with sugars and simple carbohydrates. We want to feel better but we keep repeating the same behaviors and remain stuck in the same self-destructive loop.
You may recognize yourself in some of the descriptions above. And there are many other reasons why we might learn to eat to soothe our emotions. No matter what your background, you can make the changes now that are necessary for healing. Please be gentle with yourself. Let go of old resentments and bitterness. Make yourself your #1 priority. Remind yourself that you are lovable and you are worth taking the very best care of – not once in a while but all the time!
Dr. Denise
